Do you have any idea what it’s like to look down and see the
scale read 310 pounds? Oh my god, I
wanted to die. I think that was my
highest weight, but it could have been even higher, because I stopped weighing
myself after that.
285 lbs (25 lbs less than my highest weight)
Let me tell you what life is like at 310 pounds. Everything hurts. People say, “go for a walk”, but what they
don’t realize is that every step feels like torture. I remember walking across the street to get
my mail would make my heart pound and I would feel out of breath. Walking for 5 minutes felt like 5 hours. With
every step, I would feel crushing pain in my lower back and a panic would start
and I began to HATE myself with such a passion.
On a good day, I was able to channel that HATRED into momentum and I
would repeat my mantra, inside of my head, “Anything is better than nothing,
anything is better than nothing.”
285, so miserable.
With each step, I would vacillate between utter helplessness
and maybe a glimmer of hope. I remember
one day, I was only able to walk for 90 seconds at a time. I would walk, rest, and then walk again and I
managed a whole 15 minutes by the end of the day. That was an accomplishment, believe me.
I was someone who had always been SUPER ACTIVE, and may
things led up to the weight gain, which I will probably talk about in later
posts, but finding myself in this situation was so shocking.
Did I mention the self-hate? Oh yeah. I did. Well, I can’t mention it enough because it
became my prison.
My poor children.
They were always so loving and supportive of me, yet I was too
embarrassed to be seen in public with them.
I didn’t want them to look bad. I
couldn’t do the things I wanted to do with them. I hid. From life. From friends.
From my family. I don’t ever want to go back to that.
I am looking through some old pictures and my heart is
fucking breaking for them.. and for me.
I am going to post these pictures, because I want YOU to see how bad it
was. On this day, we had gone hiking
and it was hell for me. We hiked Mt.
Major, which is not a very huge hike, but the walk down, almost killed my
knees. My kids were so concerned and it
turned what was a normally awesome day into a day filled with them being
concerned for me. I literally feel sick
to my stomach looking at these pictures,
not because I’m disgusted by my appearance (I am), but because I just remember
the utter HELL I was living in and the hell I put my poor family through
worrying about me. They missed out
having all of me as a mom. That’s a hard
one to admit to, but it is the truth. It’s
hard not to hate myself today because of that, but I have realized that life is
way too short to waste on hating yourself.
Today is all we have. .. but the reality is that every single thing in
my life was affected by my weight.
290 lbs
I would NEVER go out to eat with my family. They would BEG me to come, but I wouldn’t
because I was too fucking FAT TO FIT IN A BOOTH COMFORTABLY and I couldn’t
stand the embarrassment.
Finding clothes was a challenge, because my boobs were
enormous. The pain of the bra cutting
into my back made breathing difficult.
Everything was a struggle.
I didn’t know how to get out of the nightmare. I would find the gumption to start walking,
and the first MONTH was torture, but if I could stick it out, I would start
dropping weight fast and my endurance came back. I would be walking 3 miles easily. During this time, I was here, blogging. It is obvious I am pretty food obsessed and
frankly, most of the weight I gained was from eating “healthy” foods, just WAY
TOO MUCH OF THEM. Bread and hummus was a
huge downfall for a long time. Hell,
bread is still a challenge for me.
Do you have any idea what it’s like to go grocery shopping
as a morbidly obese woman? The stares
you get the snickers. People would LOOK
INTO MY CART with disgust and then… confusion, because most of the food in
there was so healthy. Cashiers would ask
if I was starting a new diet, although they came to know me at the local Market
Basket and we would chat about all the veggies I was buying and what I would
make with them. I remember one day,
these two teen girls walked by me and said straight to my face, “I would kill
myself if I looked like you.”
290 lbs
Walking outside for exercise, I have been heckled and
humiliated, “Hey fatty, it’s going to take a lot more than a walk about the
block to lose that ass.”
I was walking past an ice cream store and someone yelled
out, “Go have another ice cream, fatty.”
I NEVER ever wanted my children to hear someone say that to
me. I was so afraid their friends would
make fun of me, but as far as I know they never did… but the FEAR of having
that happen, was enough to make me isolate.
Stay inside the house. I was so
embarrassed to see friends who knew me before I gained weight. I had a good friend ask me is all
seriousness, “Oh my god, what happened to you”.
What happened indeed?
After an initial FAST weight gain of 100 lbs partially due to steroid
medication and definitely due to total lack of exercise, the next 50 – 60 lbs
just piled on and off, slowly but surely.. depending on my actively level and
how much I was paying attention to mindless/comfort eating. I just spiraled out of control and couldn’t
seem to get it back for any length of time.
I tried “diets”, Weight Watchers, Gluten Free, 100% Vegan, Raw Food “Cleanses”, Counting Calories, Giving up this or that
food group, Atkins (now that was difficult as a vegan leaning
vegetarian).. and while they all “worked”
initially, they failed because I couldn’t stick to it. I was emotionally not able to (again for many
reasons, some that I may get into in the future if I find I feel comfortable being
this emotionally raw online.)
275 lbs
To make a long story short, I became so desperate, I knew I
had to do something BIG and that something was to sell my car, move to Boston
(from NH) when my youngest son went to college. When I moved here Sept 24, 2011 I weighed
290 lbs. I could only walk about ½ mile
at a time without severe pain, but since my lifestyle forced me to walk, even taking
public transportation, you have to walk to and from stops, up and down stairs
at T stations, etc. I also became a bit
more mindful of the food I was putting in my mouth, eating a lot of veggies and
filling up on them and being mindful of my portions. I never restricted ANYTHING. I ate whatever I wanted, I was just
MINDFUL. I walked and walked and walked,
I remember Thanksgiving Day (I was celebrating the next day with my family) was
the first LONG walk I managed, a month after moving. I walked 6 miles and was so amazed I could do
it! I started to feel FREE! I think I realized that day, that my life was
changing for good this time.
Over the next 9 months or so, I lost 100 lbs. I was walking between 6-12 miles every day
and working on my feet most of the day.
The weight loss was effortless.
During this time (I was 245 lbs when I met The BF) I started seeing The
Boyfriend. I had been single for over 4
years and the thought of having a boyfriend was the last thing I could imagine
before I moved to Boston… but a funny thing happened, as I started to feel more
in control of myself and my life, things
changed.. But that’s a whole other topic as well. Wow, there are so many layers to weight/body
image/health.
But I digress, so I was walking 6-12 miles a day and the
weight loss was effortless, but at the end of September, I found myself in a
different living situation (with The BF) and my work situation changed as well
and I was no longer walking the 6-12 miles a day and then I became ill in December
and the result is a 20 pound weight gain.
I REFUSE to regain the weight and
go back to where I was. Writing this has
been good for me, because I forgot how tormented I was. I literally had no idea what I was going to
write when I sat down here, and frankly, I am feeling really sad right now that
I wasted so much of my life in my own prison.
190 lbs this summer
I will not go back. Now,
I am not walking 12 miles a day anymore to/from work, but I am walking around 3
miles to get to/from work. I need to
make a game plan and become more mindful of my eating. I’m also recovering from C-Diff (look it up
if you want) and a surgery, so my body is a bit wrecked. I will write more about my health issues soon
too, if I feel comfortable.
I don’t believe in diets.
I believe in whole foods. Healthy
and delicious, mostly vegan whole foods, and exercise.
185 lbs this summer
I am posting a comparison picture of me at 285 and 190,
which is the lowest daily weight (I think I got down to 185 for a couple of
weeks this summer).. I have currently
gained 20 lbs since then and weigh 210 now.
Depressing, but I can get it off.
I’ve done before and I will do it again.
My goal weight is 155-160.
210 lbs present
